Wednesday, February 25, 2015



WITCHES AND OTHER DEMONS OF OUR DISCONTENT

Jerry Harkins

Round about the caldron go;
In the poison’d entrails throw.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.
                                                                        —Macbeth, Act 4


Like virtually all his contemporaries, it seems likely that Shakespeare really did believe in witches.  Practically everyone always had.  Certainly King James did.  He (James VI of Scotland, James I of England) wrote a definitive book about them, the Daemonologie in 1597.  He was working familiar ground.  The first recorded witch, the Witch of Endor, is described in 1 Samuel 28.  When God abandoned him, Saul sought her out and forced her to summon the ghost of the prophet Samuel who correctly prophesied the imminent death of both Saul and his son.  Popes have always been big believers as have Martin Luther,  John Calvin and Ian Paisley and as are Pat Robertson and the Republican Party of Washington State whose 1992 platform called for the banning of witchcraft (they also wanted to outlaw yoga but they lost that one by a wide margin).

We are not talking here about modern practitioners of Wicca, a peaceable, pagan, feminist nature religion that occasionally dabbles in ritualistic sorcery and that does not discourage the use of the word “witchcraft.”  Wiccans believe that they are the heirs of women who performed professional services for communities as doctors, midwives, therapists, prayer leaders, undertakers and the like and who were persecuted because they were powerful.  Be that as it may, very early in history a very different image propagated by the persecutors won the day and it is that image we are dealing with:  ugly old women with large warty noses wearing pointed hats and riding around on broomsticks preaching heresy, practicing necromancy, concocting noxious potions and casting fateful spells.  It was always said they were in league or in bed with the devil and that they gained their powers by worshiping him.

This version of witches gained currency in the late medieval period which has been described by Will Durant as an era of “…myth, legend, miracle, omens, demons, prodigies, magic, astrology, divination and sorcery.”  Even the philosophers and intellectuals were believers.  Abélard, following St. Augustine, said that demons worked their magic through a deep knowledge of nature’s secrets.  John of Salisbury, Bishop of Chartres and confidant of Henry II, accused priests and even an archbishop of black magic.  Henry’s wife, Eleanor of Aquitaine, one of the great figures of the era, was often described as a woman with diabolical powers.  Durant cites the Penitential Book of Exeter as condemning women who “profess to ride on certain nights and on certain beasts with a host of demons in women’s shape.”  The Inquisition began to burn witches at the stake in 1298.  The overwhelming majority of women, hundreds of thousands of them, who were tortured and executed for witchcraft and related offenses were ordinary members of their communities in every way.  A few did purport to practice the black arts but these were mostly either crazy or users of one of the so-called “hexing herbs” such as deadly nightshade, henbane or mandrake.  Many were merely religious dissenters labeled as heretics.

The connection with heresy can be misleading.  Church and state executed far more witches than heretics in spite of the best efforts of the Holy Inquisition.  The reason was that “witchcraft” was a convenient charge to turn public opinion against an accused heretic.  Witchcraft was said to be heretical per se but it was also useful because it inspired irrational fear.  Thus, Joan of Arc was burned in 1431 having been charged with five capital crimes one of which was witchcraft.  She recanted at first in order to be spared.  One of the conditions of her reprieve was that she revert to women’s clothes but her jailers removed them from her cell and left only her military clothes.  She was therefore technically burned as a relapsed heretic, not as a witch.  But, in spite of the fact that she did not mix potions or cast spells, both her inquisitors and the general public thought she was a witch.  As soon as she died, probably from smoke inhalation, the fire was raked back and her naked and chained body exhibited to the witnesses.  It had none of the conventional marks of a witch.  The fire was re-ignited and her body was reduced to ashes.  There are contemporaneous claims that a black cat was thrown on her pyre, a typical part of the witch-burning ritual.

Lest you think this is all ancient history, we are still executing women for witchcraft.  Among governments, Saudi Arabia is a leader in ridding the world of the scourge of demons.  Its religious police have a special anti-witchcraft unit established in 2009 which prosecutes several hundred cases a year.  Most convicted witches receive 1,000 lashes and ten years in prison but several have been beheaded in the public square.  India is worse although the work is carried out at the village level or by families dishonored by their own women.  There have been more than 2,100 documented cases of women being executed between 2000 and 2012.  Many are burned, some are stoned to death.  The national government always promises swift action but rarely is anyone held accountable.  Similar customs prevail in Pakistan and Afghanistan.  In the Republic of the Congo, according the UN High Commissioner for Human Rights, the victims are thousands of children who are routinely abandoned to the streets of Kinshasa because they are possessed by demons.  As you might guess, in a global economy, the problem is spread through immigration.  In 2014, a man in New York City killed his girlfriend and her daughter with a hammer because, he said, they were witches who were casting spells on him.

There is a vast literature on witchcraft, ancient, medieval and modern.  The Library of Congress holds 5,355 books on the subject and Amazon lists 14,746 (most of which are fiction).  In recent years, scientists have focused not so much on the macabre aspects of the subject as on its universality and on the social and psychological forces that give it its sinister fascination.  The question is why have so many diverse communities throughout history become obsessed by attributing negative phenomena to demonic forces employed mostly by women?  And at least in its deadliest incarnations, witch hunting does have all the earmarks of mass obsession.  Speculation about its causes is varied, ranging from specific biological agents to the most esoteric psychological maladies.

Perhaps the best known explanation is that of Charles Mackay in his 1841 book Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds.  The cup of life,” he wrote, “is not bitter enough to our palate, and we distill superfluous poison to put into it, or conjure up hideous things to frighten ourselves at.”

Another modern theory posits that the famous Salem witch mania was the result of trying to explain the flamboyant behavior of people who had been accidentally exposed to the ergot fungus Claviceps perpurea which parasitizes rye and other grains.  The behavioral syndrome induced by the fungus, often called St. Anthony’s Fire, was well known in ancient times and may have been deliberately evoked as part of the Eleusinian initiation rites of the cult of Demeter and Persephone.  But the Puritans did not know about ergot.  Even if true, it  does not explain why unusual behavior was attributed to witchcraft.  It might be that all evil is caused by the devil but why would Satan need intermediaries?  Any why particularly in Salem?

Many “victims” of witchcraft experienced one kind or another of fertility failure.  Their crops withered or they themselves produced stillborn or deformed babies.  Epidemics were another common evil attributed to witches.  Often enough the precipitating cause was only thought to be evil even if it had no adverse effects.  Solar eclipses, comets and other astronomical anomalies were sometimes thought to be either the cause or effect of witchery and, often enough, the cause was unknown.  Witches might be divine retribution for some communal sin which would be an occasion for days of prayer and fasting as well as for combating the witches directly.

The height of the witchcraft craze in Europe occurred between 1350 and 1650 a period that coincides with the beginnings of modernization:  the Renaissance, the Reformation, the rise of the middle class and the birth of empiricism and experimental science.  Marco Polo returned from China and the Silk Road with reports of great trade opportunities in 1295 but it wasn’t until the middle of the fifteenth century that these were taken seriously.  The Ottomans conquered Constantinople in 1453 creating enormous pressures on the Italian city states to find sea routes to the Orient and finance their exploitation.  These were expensive undertakings for kings and princes who wanted to remain competitive.  All these forces constituted challenges to church and state and created social tensions within and between rural areas and the rising cities.  It was, in short, a period of rapid change, even upheaval, in all aspects of European life.  Against this backdrop, witch hunting may be seen as a massive, delusional, reactionary response of all the threatened segments of society.

Again, the case against Joan of Arc is illustrative.  Her inquisitors and modern commentators often focus on the voices she claimed to hear:  St. Michael, the patron of the House of Valois, and Saints Margaret and Catherine.  Neither, of course, took her claim seriously.  The Inquisition assumed she was being controlled by the devil.  But the late middle ages were replete with female mystics who heard heavenly voices and were tolerated by the church.  What must have disturbed it in Joan’s case was her forthright, almost demure expression of what we would now call modernist values:  the supremacy of the individual conscience, a disregard of medieval class and gender conventions and, of course, her seemingly preternatural strategic abilities.  She was not the first Protestant martyr that George Bernard Shaw said she was but she did represent, as the Reformation would later, a mortal threat to the fabric of the medieval world view.

Joan’s trial represents a subtle turning point in the prosecution of both heresy and witchcraft.  True, the traditional emphasis on Satanic possession had not even reached its peak in 1431 and would not die out entirely in Europe until the first decades of the nineteenth century.  Increasingly, however, the driving force behind witch hunting became terrorism in the service of political goals.  Joan was caught up in the complex politics of the Hundred Years’ War which she had managed to upend by turning the tide against the English.  As time went on, the politics, often sold to the public as religion, would come to play the leading role in witch hunting.

Sixty-one years after Joan’s death, the “Catholic monarchs” Ferdinand and Isabella expelled the Spanish Jews from Castile and Aragon.  They were not explicitly charged with witchcraft but the descriptions of their religious rituals were virtually identical with traditional allegations against witches.  Seventy-five years after the expulsion, the French government of King Charles IX in collusion with the Vatican under Pope Gregory XIII began a crusade against the Huguenots.  It began with the Saint Bartholomew's Day Massacre in which some 25,000 Parisian Protestants were killed by French mobs and French soldiers.  Before it ended in 1715, thousands more had been brutally killed, 300,000 had undergone forced conversions and 500,000 had fled the country.  There was never any hint of witchcraft.  To the church, the Huguenots were heretics and to the state they were rebels.  In other ways however the crusade inherited it basic strategy and tactics from the witch manias of the medieval era.  It demonized the victims in order to assure the support of the populace. 

Another hundred years later, the mania had spread to the Puritan colonies of North America.  The most famous example is the series of trials conducted in and around Salem, Massachusetts in 1692 and 1693.  Twenty people were convicted and executed, mainly on the testimony of children.  Except for the fact that the victims were mostly prominent, well-to-do members of the community, Salem was very much an old style religious witch hunt. Attracted by “thinking so magical, so paranoid,” Arthur Miller wrote about it in his 1953 play “The Crucible” as a metaphor for the entirely political “Red Scare” witch hunt which was just then raging in Washington.  The parallels he adduced are compelling.  But Salem was not the most interesting of the Puritan persecutions.

In 1660, the Puritans of Boston had hanged Mary Dyer, a Quaker, for refusing to remain in exile which had been her penalty for proselytizing on behalf of her Quaker beliefs.  Among other things, the Quakers rejected the idea of a professional clergy in favor of the “priesthood of all believers.”  It seems like a religious motive but in fact her heresy was actually considered divisive and contrary to the civic comity promoted by the Puritans.  She was also a follower of another heretic, the antinomian Puritan Anne Hutchinson who had been exiled several times and finally did not return to Boston.  Both women were threatening to the power of the governing clergy but Dyer might have been tolerated by the ordinary citizens except that both had given birth to stillborn and seriously deformed babies.  For centuries this had been considered evidence of witchery.  There was no need for an explicit indictment.  Twenty-three years after the birth, Governor John Winthrop heard of it and had the baby’s body exhumed and exhibited.  Again, no accusation was needed.

In the post-industrial world belief in witchcraft is not extinct but seems restricted to the extreme margins of society.  However the impulse to bring “the other” low is not.  It is apparent in matters great and small, from the Red Scare in the America of the 1950’s to the recent obsession with what may well have been a memory lapse on the part of a television news anchor.  Brian Williams stands accused of lying about his involvement in a military incident in Iraq.  The assault is led by The New York Times which has given the story far more prominent attention than it would warrant even if true.  Not only was it front page news for a week or more but it has been endlessly editorialized about and mentioned in unrelated articles in every section of the paper.  The Times probably feels it is standing up not only for journalistic ethics but for morality itself.  It also would be outraged by any reminder that Mr. Williams is one of its principal competitors.

Arthur Miller was a victim of the Red Scare who was blacklisted for refusing to tell the House Un-American Activities Committee the names of people he knew who were Communist sympathizers.  He wrote “The Crucible,” he said, to spotlight “…the primeval structure of human sacrifice to the forces of fanaticism and paranoia that goes on repeating itself forever as though imbedded in the brain of social man.”  History amply supports the hypothesis that the witch manias were claimed to propitiate the gods for otherwise inexplicable misfortunes or to fortify the power of priests who could do so.  But more frightening is the assertion that such persecution arises from forces inherent in our social nature. 

The Puritans were heirs to an ancient yearning for social cohesion.  John Winthrop referred to their goal as the creation of a biblical “city on a hill” to be a beacon for all people.  Three centuries later, President Reagan articulated a similar vision of America as, “…a tall, proud city built on rocks stronger than oceans, wind-swept, God-blessed, and teeming with people of all kinds living in harmony and peace.”  Is it possible that such a vision requires enemies or scapegoats to rally communities in times of challenge or uncertainty?  Are occasional spasms of witch hunting part of the price we have to pay for a tranquil society?  It is worth pondering the thought expressed by Aldo Leopold in A Sand County Almanac:


Only the mountain has lived long enough to listen objectively to the howl of a wolf...We all strive for safety, prosperity, comfort, long life, and dullness…but it all comes to the same thing:  peace in our time.  A measure of success in this is all well and good, and perhaps is a requisite to objective thinking, but too much safety seems to yield only danger in the long run.  Perhaps this is behind Thoreau's dictum:  In wildness is the salvation of the world.  Perhaps this is the hidden meaning in the howl of the wolf, long known among mountains, but seldom perceived among men.

Friday, February 13, 2015


MICHAEL JACKSON AT 57:  GONE BUT STILL ROCKING ON
Jerry Harkins

            The late Michael Jackson was a talented song and dance man who appealed primarily to young people and who created a cultural presence that was exotic if not bizarre.  He died on June 25, 2009, the victim of what a jury decided was involuntary manslaughter by his physician.  Oceans of ink were employed to report every aspect of his funeral and the myriad legal maneuvers that followed and the media are still not finished with him.  This would be more understandable had the last six years been a slow news period.  It has, however, been anything but.  Journalism has been blessed not only with an unprecedented global economic crisis but also with a cornucopia of man-bites-dog stories including, of course, the sudden death of journalism as we knew it.  So why the continuing preoccupation with Mr. Jackson?
            On the road to Jerusalem, Jesus advised a prospective follower not to bother burying his dead father.  “Let the dead,” he said, “bury their own dead.”  This, of course, is terrible public health policy but it might help the press get past its obsession.  It would also be an excellent strategy for politicians like Peter King, Republican (of course) of New York (well, Long Island) who used the occasion of Mr. Jackson’s funeral to denounce him as a pervert, child molester and pedophile.  As Ms. Throckmorton once said when a heckler interrupted her introduction of a favorite student with the accusation that "Miss Kelsey-Paige is a cocksucker!" “Nevertheless.”  Nevertheless, Mr. Jackson was acquitted of those charges by a jury of his peers.  Okay, Michael had no peers so Pete is free to ignore the presumption of innocence, the principle, “…axiomatic and elementary, [that] lies at the foundation of the administration of our criminal law”  (Coffin et al v. United States, 156 U.S. 432, 1895).   Nor need he bother with the Biblical injunction,  “Judge not that ye be not judged” (Matt. 7:1).  Finally, as both a Republican and an Irish American clod, Mr. King is probably unaware of Chilon of Sparta and his saccharine idea that we should speak nothing but good of the departed.
            Chilon notwithstanding, I’m not sure one is compelled to make up good things to say about a dead icon.  For example, was it absolutely necessary for President Obama to call Michael, “…one of the greatest entertainers of our generation, perhaps any generation.”  Of course it’s a matter of definition.  If the President was thinking of the top thousand song and dance men, he was probably right.  Michael was surely among them.  But Berry Gordy of Motown Records was, if possible, even more enthusiastic.  “I think he is simply the greatest entertainer that ever lived,” said he.  And Maya Angelou mourned for all of us.  “In the instant that Michael is gone, we know nothing. No clocks can tell time. No oceans can rush our tides with the abrupt absence of our treasure.”  Even before his death, Guinness World Records had named him the most successful entertainer of all time, and American Music Awards had acclaimed him artist of the century.
Michael Jackson was certainly a phenomenon.  Seven hundred fifty million records sold, 13 Grammies, 13 Number One singles, 16 gold singles.  Only eight singers had more of those.  One is his sister Janet who has 21 and counting.  Another was his father-in-law, Elvis, who had 54.  Statistical comparisons of artistic achievement are invidious, but Jackson was far from being the greatest anything.  Note that no one says greatest singer or greatest dancer or greatest songwriter.  Any such claim would be instantly seen as ludicrous.  But “entertainer” is a more ambiguous category.  The special charisma of Michael Jackson was that of the old fashioned freak show.  Here was a black singer in white face, a 50-year old countertenor who spoke in a whisper, a wealthy man with a taste for the amusements of childhood, a celebrity with a truly bizarre sense of fashion.  A poet of really exotic assonant rhyme schemes, as in his most famous effort, “Bad.”
Your Butt Is Mine
Gonna Take You Right
Just Show Your Face
In Broad Daylight
I'm Telling You
On How I Feel
Gonna Hurt Your Mind
Don't Shoot To Kill
Come On, Come On,
Lay It On Me All Right...

Here is the rhyme pattern:  a, b, c, d, e, f, a, g, h, b.  This is followed by:

Because I'm Bad, I'm Bad-
Come On
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)
You Know I'm Bad, I'm Bad-
You Know It
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)
You Know I'm Bad, I'm Bad-
Come On, You Know
(Bad Bad-Really, Really Bad)
And The Whole World Has To
Answer Right Now
Just To Tell You Once Again,
Who's Bad . . .

Not immortal, of course, but not bad for hip hop.  And then you have this masterpiece:
The Girl Is Mine 
(She Mine, She Mine, She Mine)

The Doggone Girl Is Mine

(She Like The Way I Rock, The Way I Rock, The Way I Rock, The Way I Rock)

I Know She's Mine
 (She Mine, She Mine, She Mine)

Because The Doggone Girl Is Mine

            (She Like The Way I Rock, The Way I Rock, The Way I Rock, The Way I Rock)

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it
Just beat it, beat it

The artistry here is in the ambiguous relative pronoun it coupled with the ambiguous moral philosophy.  What is to be beaten?  The doggone girl?  The singer’s penis?  The video shows a fight between two gangs of post-adolescent males.  Maybe the lyric urges the participants to beat each other.  Is the song or the singer taking sides?  Who is in danger of being defeated by what?  Defeated while showing how funky and strong you are?  Funky has two meanings:  smelly and strongly syncopated (said of a dance rhythm).   In another form, it refers to a depressed state of mind.
            Michael was, in fact, a great dancer and a decent singer but, as a songwriter, he was on the wrong side of mediocre.  Not terrible but his music is pedestrian and the lyrics tend to be part of the percussion: loud, choppy and vulgar.  There have never been a lot of singer-songwriters who were good at both and many who have been good at neither.  Songwriting is difficult and is almost always best left to professionals, preferably to a team of professionals, a composer and a lyricist working together.  There are exceptions, of course.  The Great American Songbook is graced by sole practitioners like Irving Berlin, Cole Porter and Stephen Sondheim.  I choose these three because they are all brilliant but very different as lyricists.  Berlin’s lyrics tend to be simple:
Have you seen the well-to-do
Up and down Park Avenue
On that famous thoroughfare
With their noses in the air?
Porter’s words are both catchy and sophisticated:
If we’d thought a bit of the end of it
When we started painting the town,
We’d have been aware that our love affair
Was too hot not to cool down.

Sondheim is sparer, is a sense more difficult and much more contemporary.  The first verse of “Finishing the Hat” from Sunday in the Park with George has a take on lost love that might have appealed to Michael Jackson:
Yes, she looks for me . . . . Good.
Let her look for me to tell me why she left me
as I always knew she would.
I had thought she understood.
They have never understood, and no reason that they should.
But if anybody could . . . .
                       We don’t often think of these songwriters as singers but all three frequently sang
their own songs in public and even in films.  Irving Berlin loved to sing and he gave definitive performances of such hits as “God Bless America” and “Oh How I Hate to Get up in the Morning.”  You would say he was a stylist more than a vocalist.  Cole Porter had a problematic voice and a tendency to swallow words but you enjoyed hearing him because he was having such a good time.  And, ah, Stephen Sondheim.  His studio recordings are essential tools for anyone trying to learn how to sing his songs.  Better still watch him teach others.  You can get an idea of his skill by watching a You Tube video of Sondheim conducting a master class on the single phrase “Maybe next year” from “Send in the Clowns.”
            The difference between Sondheim and Jackson begins with a similarity.  In terms of poetics, both were influenced by the beat poets of the 1950’s, Sondheim directly and Jackson probably indirectly.  I’m referring here not to the content of their poems or lyrics but to their structure, the architecture of the lines which critics sometimes refer to as “free-form.”  In a sense it is.  We are given not the fairly rigid iambic pentameter of Shakespeare’s plays and sonnets but what seems to the ear a more informal, conversational flow of words and ideas.  A good example is the first line of the first poem in Lawrence Ferlinghetti’s seminal 1958 collection A Coney Island of the Mind:
In Goya’s greatest scenes we seem to see
                                                                  the people of the world
            exactly at the moment when
                        they first attained the title of
                                                                        ‘suffering humanity’
Like sprung rhythm and other forms of accentual verse, this is meant to imitate conversational speech but within a highly disciplined metrical framework based on stresses rather than syllables.  Gerard Manley Hopkins’ sonnet “The Windhover:  To Christ Our Lord” begins:
I CAUGHT this morning morning’s minion, king-
   dom of daylight’s dauphin, dapple-dawn-drawn Falcon, in his riding
     of the rolling level underneath him steady air, and striding
   High there, how he rung upon the rein of a wimpling wing

Accentual verse need not deal in intellectual speculation.  It is very common in English probably for the same reason the iamb is:  it is natural and memorable.  Thus:
Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes, sir,
Three bags full;
One for the master,
And one for the dame,
And one for the little boy
Who lives down the lane.

            Sondheim argues that poetry and lyrics are very different forms.  If so, surely one of those differences is that lyrics often make little or no sense.  Take, for example, one of the greatest songs of the Great American Songbook, “Speak Low (When You Speak of Love)."  It ought to be great with music by Kurt Weill and lyrics by Ogden Nash:
Speak low when you speak of love,
Our summer day withers away too soon, too soon
Speak low when you speak of love
Our moment is swift, like ships adrift,
We’re swept apart too soon
Speak low darling, speak low
Love is a spark lost in the dark, too soon, too soon.

The first line is a variation of Don Pedro’s advice to Hero in “Much Ado About Nothing” (Act 2, Scene 1) where it makes slightly more sense than it does here.  There is no obvious connection between the fragility of a summer day and a lover’s tone of voice, ships do not drift swiftly, and how can a spark be lost in the dark?  But all that is mere pettifoggery against the pure pleasure of hearing the song sung by Barbra Streisand, Sarah Vaughan, Billie Holiday or any of the other singers who have recorded it.  Aristotle notwithstanding, it’s a great song.
            Not so, “Bad.”  It’s a lousy song turned into great entertainment by its use in the video as a dance number derivative of or, maybe, an homage to the gang rumble scene in “West Side Story.”  There is nothing wrong with entertainment.  As the poster for the MGM film “Entertainment!” claimed, “Boy, Do We Need It Now.”  But “Bad” cannot stand alone as a song sung by a real singer.  You can’t sing it and neither could Bing Crosby, Elvis Presley or Luciano Pavarotti.
            A great song or even a good song is forever.  Entertainment is usually ephemeral and meant to be.  Yesterday’s jokes baffle today even as our pleasure in them remains in fond memory.  So, Michael, rest in peace.  In the words of Bob Hope who really could lay claim to the title of World’s Greatest Entertainer, “Thanks for the memory.”





Monday, February 02, 2015


ADULTERER’S DESK REFERENCE

Jerry Harkins

Q:  Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?
A:  I will.
       —The Book of Common Prayer, 1979, p. 424


Qualifying Examination:

I am (check all that apply):

O            A Republican

O            A Born-Again Christian

O            A Thoroughly Stupid Democrat (Republicans get the Stupid Point automatically.)

O            Male

Count the number of boxes you checked.  The total is your score.  (If you can't count,  If your score is:

0            You are not authorized to read this document and should shred it immediately.

1-3            You should read this document thoroughly and take its message to heart.  When you’re  done, hide it wherever you keep your pornography.

4            You are welcome to read this document but do not expect any benefit from it as you are a hopeless case.           

Introduction

This pamphlet addresses a common male problem that is not addressed in the Boy Scout Handbook or in any approved sex ed course you may have taken.  It does not purport to teach you how to commit adultery.  That knowledge came free with your first purchase of testosterone.  Here we deal only with what happens after your adultery is exposed. 

You will certainly be caught.  Adultery releases certain enzymes which short circuit the parts of the brain responsible for clear thinking and self-preservation.  Now you understand why your father came home with lipstick on his shirt collar or in some even more suggestive place.  Fortunately today’s lipsticks incorporate the kiss-proof technology developed at the old Bell Labs and this particular kind of self-destructive behavior is on the wane.  Congress has allocated several hundred million dollars to the Centers for Disease Control to develop a pill to prevent the transfer of perfume scent to the male or his clothes.  This is supposed to close the circle of self-incrimination.  (Like all other Congressional theories, it will not work and, even if it does, it won’t help you because Congress will surely conspire to keep it to itself.)    You are not a member of Congress (I know this because you appear to be able to read).  It’s okay though because they get caught too.  All that power and glory does not make up for male stupidity.   Thus, our objective is not to avoid detection but to plan your response when you are caught.

It Bears Repeating:  You Will Be Caught

Adultery, in most jurisdictions, is not a crime. It is merely something human beings —mainly post-adolescent males—do.  Just as “fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly,” men gotta wander off the reservation.  The commandment “Thou shalt not commit adultery” is proof positive that the god of Abraham was never the omniscient wise man he was made out to be but rather a naïf or a nerd.  [Sidebar:  Adultery is still a felony in Idaho, Massachusetts, Michigan, Oklahoma, and Wisconsin.  It is also a violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice.  In Texas, it’s a civic virtue.]

Even if adultery is not a crime, for all practical purposes it is treated as such and the presumption of innocence does not apply.  Nor does the quality of mercy.  In fact, guilt is always assumed and the eighth amendment is suspended.  This rarely turns out to be unfair.

You will be caught because they are smarter than we are.  Evolution made them that way to compensate for us being bigger.  Women think with an organ called the brain which is encased in their heads.  We think with a different organ located between our legs in a much more confined space.  I recently had an email from Joey G. of Brooklyn, New York who theorized that since we now all think with our iPhones, the playing field has been leveled down to the dull-normal range.  It might be true if our team could only get past the porno sites but that, Joey, is not the way to bet.

I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman

You cannot talk your way out of this.  No one will believe anything you say about it including an abject apology and what we used to call a “firm purpose of amendment.”  But all is not lost.  Females are born with a genetic predisposition to expect and overlook male transgressions.  Do not confuse this with forgiveness.  It is merely empiricism.  You will never be forgiven for cheating on your significant other.  Repeat after me:  I will never be forgiven for adultery;  it just isn’t going to happen.  Women, you see, tend to follow the advice of that noted feminist philosopher, Tammy Wynette who said, “Stand by your man” (SBYM).  This can work in your favor especially if you wind up facing public ostracism.  Perhaps you recall the knowing smile with which a former first lady minimized the importance of her husband’s faithlessness.  “He is,” she said, “a hard dog to keep on the porch.” She was quoting a 1983 Gail Davies country song the refrain of which was:

You're a hungry old hound that keeps coming around
Eatin' my groceries and drinking one down
You run with the pack and you come slinking back
Needin' some rest and me to scratch your back.

The genetic basis for SBYM has yet to be fully understood by science and it is by no means the strong force of domestic tranquility.  You can tell that by the looks you often see on the faces of otherwise very attractive women while standing by their man at the inevitable press conference.  While he is reciting the line about a broken and contrite heart from the fifty-first Psalm, she is looking as though she’s just swallowed a live worm.  Speaking of the Psalms, Freddie W. of Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania points out that King David himself was a world class adulterer.  “That’s gotta mean something,” he writes.  Not particularly, Freddie.  Just that he was a male and Bathsheba was a female who liked nude sunbathing.  Dave liked girls.  He had at least ten wives and a harem full of concubines.  He didn’t actually need another wife, especially a wife already married to his good buddy Uriah the Hittite.  Bathsheba was a royal but excessive indulgence whether she looked like the stevedore painted by Rembrandt or like Susan Hayward in the 1951 Hollywood biopic.  That’s the thing about adultery:  it’s inexplicable.  Ben Franklin, an acknowledged polymath, said you can’t tell the difference between women in the dark.  Even the greatest men are addicted to saying stupid things from time to time.  The only reason Ben never committed adultery was that Deborah and he were never legally married.  Otherwise he was once of the eighteenth century’s most noted swordsmen.

But If It’s Not A Crime, What’s The Big Deal?

If your IQ is equal to or greater than your age, you can skip this section.  If on the other hand you are a member of the hairy-chested gender, read on. 

Do you remember Ben Casey?  In a portentous voice, Sam Jaffe would intone, “Man.  Woman.  Birth.  Death.  Infinity.”  In less scholarly parlance, this is known as the Battle of the Sexes otherwise known as the Theory of Everything.  And in the high drama of life’s war, adultery is high treason.  Which is why the Bible says, “If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress are to be put to death.”  One of my correspondents, Kent H. of Wilsey, Kansas, thinks that times have changed and indeed he is right.  We no longer execute adulterers but that merely prolongs the agony of the punishments we do mete out.

In any event, the treason analogy rules out certain defenses that are nonetheless often invoked.  Never say:
          It didn’t mean anything.  It was just a one-time fling.
          It was over before I knew it.  Didn’t even enjoy it.
If the devil does make you say something really stupid (How else to explain Ben Franklin’s remark?), at least make sure she doesn’t have a burdizzo within easy reach.  You say you don’t know what a burdizzo is?  It’s a device for castrating pigs.  The end product is called mountain oysters and is quite tasty sliced, marinated in beer and sautéed lightly with salt.  Served as hors-d'oeuvres at the best tailgate parties in Texas.  Trust me on this:  you don’t want your crown jewels to be the hors-d’oeuvre at her sorority reunion.

Paying The Price:  Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

Charlie Brown once observed, “There’s no problem so big you can’t run away from it.”  Of course, Charlie was only eight years old at the time and had yet to encounter the problem of adultery.  Still he did know a lot about women.  For example, he knew for a certainty that every single time he tried to kick a football being held by Lucy she would snatch it away at the last second sending him head over heels on his ass.  Every time without exception.  He concluded quite correctly that girls have different definitions of “teamwork” and “winning” than, say, Vince Lombardi.  Did he walk away in disgust?  Of course not.  Even at eight, Charlie knew that the Red Queen is a metaphor for the way women approach the game of life.  His role was to assure she always “won” regardless of what it might say on something as irrelevant as a scoreboard. 

In dealing with adultery, there is a scoreboard even if you can’t see it and wouldn’t understand the scoring system if you could.  The score is kept in carats which are assessed as a function of several variables including the age and other vital statistics of the bimbo, the frequency of the husband calling to say he has a client meeting and will be home late, and precisely where the wife is in her monthly hormonal cycle. You don’t actually have to appease her with diamonds but the carat count is an indication of the value of the expected settlement.  Of course diamonds are always welcome as is cold cash.  Just remember you can’t buy forgiveness.  You can just mitigate some of the less agreeable concomitants of her enmity.  You are still in hell but you get to take a cold shower once a week.

What’s Sauce For The Goose Is Poison For The Gander

In case you haven’t noticed, life isn’t fair.  That’s a quote from Jack Kennedy, a man who knew whereof he spoke when it came to adultery.  He was no doubt talking about the well known fact that 99.9% of the wages of sin are paid by men.  Believe it or not, statisticians tell us that women stray too.  But for them it’s not cheating because the rules are different.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you might as well know the truth.  The tide of history is running against us and we no longer make the rules.  It used to be that they needed us to be the breadwinners so they could nurture the children.  It was called the division of labor and, for most couples, it worked well enough.  Now, however, most women are in the workforce.  Some want to work outside the home.  Others have to because we don’t earn enough anymore.  No matter.  Now the question is how’re your going to keep them down on the farm after they’ve seen Paree?  [Sidebar:  The song refers to soldiers coming home after World War I.  But it’s appropriate anyway because the key line is, “Reuben, Reuben I’ve been thinking what a great world this would be if the boys were all transported far beyond the Northern Sea.”]  Applied to today’s women, the answer is you’re not.  They are no longer financially dependent on us my friend and in a few short years we’ll no longer be needed for reproduction either.  They’ll be able to buy whatever sperm they want over the counter at their local Rite Aid and it will be synthetic sperm customized to deliver just what they want in their offspring.  If you doubt this, you haven’t been keeping up with the Journal of Veterinary Science and Animal Husbandry.  Human sperm will be synthesized on a base of animal or vegetable DNA.  It could be worse.  Your sperm could be replaced by the slightly altered sperm of a pig.  But it will be easier to begin with the genome of Polychaos dubium, a single-cell protozoan that reproduces asexually by binary fission.  It has 670 billion base pairs to work with compared to the 3 billion you have.  They’ll keep some of us around, live specimens in zoos and stuffed ones in museums.  Those who can be tamed may find work as house pets or eunuchs. 

The point of all this is you’re not dealing from strength.  It is advisable to bear this in mind as you practice begging, cajoling and groveling.  Above all, when she gets up from her chair it does not mean she’s finished berating you.  Do not say, “As long as you’re up, could you get me a beer?”  Marty F. of Flathead County, Montana, a former client, asked me if it would be okay as long as he said “Please.”  I said “Sure Marty although the shock of hearing you ask politely may kill her.”  Unfortunately, Marty didn’t catch the sarcasm.

The Take-away


In Montana taverns they call it the Go Cup.  Whatever you call it, the moral of the story is that only in heaven is there more rejoicing over one repentant sinner than ninety-nine just men.  For one thing, only in heaven will you find as many as ninety-nine just men.  Down here, all hundred are sinners and all rejoicing is restricted to watching them as they twist slowly in the breeze.