THIRTEEN MORE VERY SHORT ESSAYS
Jerry Harkins
SAY, WHAT?
Why do so many car manufacturers and auto insurance companies run ads featuring idiots driving insanely through urban traffic, on backwoods roads, in blizzard conditions or in demolition derbies?
ROBO CHATTER
There is a class of problems that have no technical solution. Stopping robo calls is not one of them. Still, we keep electing clueless politicians who are not up to the task.
INCREDIBLE
Have you noticed that Trump’s second most favorite word is “incredible.” He thinks it means very good or very bad. It really means not believable. If I lied as much as he does, I’d be more careful about calling attention to my lack of veracity.
SORRY, BUT “THEY IS” IS JUST NOT ENGLISH.
In an effort to devise a third person singular pronoun that does not denote gender, many young people are proposing they which would work if only a couple of billion people didn’t know it as a plural. What we need is an entirely new word like Ms was fifty years ago. Maybe se or sese from the Latin reflexive meaning himself, herself and itself. While we’re at it, let’s shorten the inch by ¼ so that I turn out to be a six foot five inch chick magnet.
IRONY
Donald J. Trump makes me miss George W. Bush. Actually, he makes me miss Vlad the Impaler.
I WASN’T AT THE MEETING
…where the agency creative team convinced Verizon to run a spot claiming its Fios service will encourage your guests to ignore you and each other in favor of overdosing on their digital devices. It’s called truth in advertising.
WHEN YOU’RE UP TO YOUR ASS IN ALLIGATORS
Desperate to find a new product that might save its endangered ass, The New York Times Executive Committee came up with “virtual reality” without wondering whether people might think that’s pretty much the same thing as fake news.
SPEAKING OF WHICH
Virtual reality relies heavily on something called “artificial intelligence” which also enables all sorts of annoying modern conveniences such as hapless help lines. Not surprising in that artificial means unnatural.
WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE MAY NOT BE
COMFORTABLE FOR THE GANDER
Facebook, the world’s social arbiter, offers subscribers 58 choices to describe their gender. These include “Other” but not male or female.
POP QUIZ: POLITICAL SCIENCE 1*
Match the politicians in Column A with the adjectives in Column B.
