THIRTEEN MORE VERY SHORT ESSAYS

Jerry Harkins

SAY, WHAT?

Why do so many car manufacturers and auto insurance companies run ads featuring idiots driving insanely through urban traffic, on backwoods roads, in blizzard conditions or in demolition derbies?

ROBO CHATTER

There is a class of problems that have no technical solution.  Stopping robo calls is not one of them.  Still, we keep electing clueless politicians who are not up to the task.

INCREDIBLE

Have you noticed that Trump’s second most favorite word is “incredible.” He thinks it means very good or very bad.  It really means not believable.  If I lied as much as he does, I’d be more careful about calling attention to my lack of veracity.  

SORRY, BUT “THEY IS” IS JUST NOT ENGLISH.

In an effort to devise a third person singular pronoun that does not denote gender, many young people are proposing they which would work if only a couple of billion people didn’t know it as a plural.  What we need is an entirely new word like Ms was fifty years ago.  Maybe se or sese from the Latin reflexive meaning himself, herself and itself.  While we’re at it, let’s shorten the inch by ¼ so that I turn out to be a six foot five inch chick magnet.

IRONY

Donald J. Trump makes me miss George W. Bush.  Actually, he makes me miss Vlad the Impaler.

I WASN’T AT THE MEETING

…where the agency creative team convinced Verizon to run a spot claiming its Fios service will encourage your guests to ignore you and each other in favor of overdosing on their digital devices.  It’s called truth in advertising. 

WHEN YOU’RE UP TO YOUR ASS IN ALLIGATORS

Desperate to find a new product that might save its endangered ass, The New York Times Executive Committee came up with “virtual reality” without wondering whether people might think that’s pretty much the same thing as fake news.

SPEAKING OF WHICH

Virtual reality relies heavily on something called “artificial intelligence” which also enables  all sorts of annoying modern conveniences such as hapless help lines.  Not surprising in that artificial means unnatural.

WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE MAY NOT BE 

COMFORTABLE FOR THE GANDER

Facebook, the world’s social arbiter, offers subscribers 58 choices to describe their gender.  These include “Other” but not male or female.

POP QUIZ:  POLITICAL SCIENCE 1*

Match the politicians in Column A with the adjectives in Column B.

     COLUMN A                                                                 COLUMN B

A.  Donald Trump                                                          1.  Crazy

B.  Mike Pence                                                               2.  Dangerous

C.  William Barr                                                             3.  Stupid

D.  Mitch McConnell                                                      4.  Obsequious

E.  Lindsey Graham                                                        5.  Evil

*Hint:  There are no wrong answers although A-4 will be considered eccentric.

DEPARTMENT OF SMALL PRINT

Have you noticed that a great deal of what’s in print was written specifically to discourage people from reading it?  Anything that bears the title “Common Side Effects” or “Our Privacy Policy” or that appears in 2-point type for half a second at the bottom of a TV commercial or that is furnished with an “Agree” button contains information the author does not want you to know.  Instructions included with products made in Asia or with anything requiring “Some Assembly” or any communication from the IRS are certain to be opaque.  On the other hand, I suspect James Joyce secretly hoped you would understand and enjoy Ulysses and Finnegans Wake.

BUREAU OF NUTRITIONAL DISINFORMATION

Somewhere, deep in the bowels of some undisclosed location there is a cadre of mad scientists responsible for revising food guidelines on a daily basis.  Red wine is good for you on Tuesdays and Thursdays and will kill you on Mondays and Fridays.  Anything that comes in a can or tastes good is bad for you except in months without an r in them.  The road to hell is paved with salt unless it is the sea salt in kelp.  Milk is verboten this week unless it is manufactured from oats.  If you don’t like oats, you can be sure it will be delisted next month in favor of milk made from broccoli.  Most chemicals added to processed foods cause cancer except those added to artificial meat.  The latter may include dimagnesium phosphate, dipotassium phosphate, disodium guanylate, methylcellulose, sodium tripolyphosphate and titanium dioxide, all of which prevent cancer and ingrown toenails.  Don’t ask about the titanium or what guanylate is.  You don’t want to know.

TWIT-IN-CHIEF

Aw, this is too easy.  You know who I’m talking about.