DE LAY OF DE LAND
Jerry Harkins

Ladies and gentlemen, Christianity offers the only viable, reasonable, definitive answer to the questions of 'Where did I come from?' 'Why am I here?' 'Where am I going?' 'Does life have any meaningful purpose?' Only Christianity offers a way to understand that physical and moral border. Only Christianity offers a comprehensive worldview that covers all areas of life and thought, every aspect of creation. Only Christianity offers a way to live in response to the realities that we find in this world -- only Christianity.
—Tom DeLay
April 12, 2002



Regular readers know my mantra: what would Jesus do? Go on first class golfing junkets paid for by lobbyists? Gerrymander Texas congressional districts in the mad pursuit of power? Sell access and influence to political contributors? Put his wife and daughter on the payroll? Sell to the highest bidder the popcorn concession at the crucifixion? Sure he would.

Tom DeLay is toast and I, for one, will be happy to pass the jam. Much to his surprise, he has been indicted on charges of criminal conspiracy and money laundering in connection with the above-referenced Gerrymander. His defense is twofold. First, “I didn’t do it.” Well, that’s a relief! Second, the prosecutor is a partisan fanatic. So that’s the story! The fanatic in question replied, “Being called vindictive and partisan by Tom DeLay is like being call ugly by a frog.” Tom also allowed as to how this was political retribution for his successful role in the Gerrymander. “This is,” he said, “one of the weakest, most baseless indictments in American history.” I immediately thought of Nathan Hale, Sacco and Vanzetti, and the Haymarket martyrs. I had the unworthy wish that Tom might share the fate of these victims of prosecutorial misconduct. This is, after all, Texas. He probably won’t though. His lawyers immediately went into court and asked a judge to throw out the charges on the ground that this was the weakest indictment in history (except for that of Jesus). It would take a judge with an iron stomach to do so but, hey, this is Texas and Mr. DeLay is a very big shot in the Lone Star State. Judges are not terribly expensive.

Leader DeLay poses as a former bum who was born again by the grace of Jesus. This is primo politico claptrap down in Texas. Being or at least having been a bum is taken as proof of one’s manhood and being born again is conclusive evidence that God is on our side. He got thrown out of Baylor for drinking but that is not so bad because Baylor is a heretical Baptist school which is not sufficiently fundamentalist. Contrary to the Chicago Declaration, Baylor says it, “…is founded on the belief that God's nature is made known through both revealed and discovered truth.” “Discovered truth” includes science which is blasphemous.

Tom was an exterminator before being elected to Congress representing Sugar Land, Texas. I’ve always thought he spent too much time with cockroaches. He married his high school sweetheart and they’ve been practicing family values ever since. Christine is on the payroll as is daughter, Danielle, whom he retains as a consultant. She is also a lobbyist, but with born again Christians you have to look beyond mere appearances. She avoids lobbying in Washington, working only in Texas where her father has no influence except for little courtesies like the Great Gerrymander.

Texas is a land of contradictions—big open spaces and small closed minds. Much of the state (no one really knows how much) is still dry but you can usually get a drink by becoming a “member” of the local restaurant of your choice. Admission costs a quarter and there is no IQ test. Texas has no income tax, personal or corporate. It prides itself on being the low tax state and it is always grateful to Mississippi without which it would invariably rank fiftieth in everything else too. Go to a business lunch in Dallas or Houston and look around you. Seventy-five percent of the men are carrying handguns. If it’s a club that lets women in, 50% of the girls will be packing too. We’re not talking about .22 caliber Saturday Night Specials either. In keeping with their status as citizens of the nation’s second largest state, Texans prefer the .357 Magnum and Elephant Load ammunition for their everyday shooting. It is rumored that Colt is working on just such a gun equipped with a grenade launcher and stiletto. The light weight model for ladies will omit the stiletto. In any event, since these eating clubs are the last redoubts of the three martini lunch, you are well advised to keep a low profile. When a junior executive sashays up to the salad bar, be alert. Study President Bush's body language and speech patterns and wonder if he too is armed. “Dangerous” goes without saying.

Texans all think they are cowboys. They love to dress up in ten gallon hats and high heeled boots made with the leather of exotic, preferably endangered species. These costumes are invariably accessorized with four-pound rodeo championship belt buckles measuring at least six by nine inches. In Houston eating clubs, some of these buckles will be made of solid gold and marked with what looks like a cattle brand but is really a registered logo of Neiman Marcus. It takes a tough man to break a mean bronco, brand a longhorn cow or do either to a real Texas lady.

As you might expect, Texas comes complete with its own mythology. It used to be that Texas politicians really were giants—colorful characters who were as corrupt as the devil but slick as a slaughterhouse floor and charming as a fakir working a cobra. Think of Sam Rayburn and Lyndon Johnson. Every story you ever heard about either one of them is true. It all began at the Alamo where a posse of American icons—Jim Bowie (Richard Widmark) and Davy Crockett (The Duke himself) among them—discovered the ultimate weapon, PR. The art of making a silk purse out of a pig’s ear. Pretty much everything you’ve ever heard about the Battle of the Alamo is bullshit except that Santa Ana won. That means Texas lost but you won’t find it mentioned much. Any five year old will tell you that our 187 heroes won a moral victory in spite of a Mexican army numbering in the millions. It’s the same sort of moral victory old Tom DeLay is about to enjoy in Huntsville.

Texans have always lied a lot but today’s batch are degenerates compared to their ancestors. DeLay is a perfect example. When things go wrong he whines his lies. Can you imagine LBJ whining? When a problem arose, Landslide Lyndon would round up the malefactor, put his massive arm around the man’s shoulders and say, “Let us reason together.” It was very effective. And perfectly legal.

Subsequently

In November 2010, The Hammer was convicted and a few weeks later was given three years in jail. He blamed his problems on the liberals and told the Today Show that Travis County, Texas was the most liberal jurisdiction in America. He is out on bail pending appeal and is likely to remain so for some time. He could get off on the "merits" (remember this is Texas) but if it gets to the federal courts it would get interesting. Under the Supreme Court's ruling in Citizens United v Federal Election Commission, corporations cannot be prohibited from making political contributions. Texas law seems to do just that so Tom's best hope is to argue that he was convicted under an unconstitutional law. Makes one yearn for the good old days when we just strung up malefactors from the nearest cottonwood tree.