THIRTEEN VERY SHORT ESSAYS

Jerry Harkins

IRONY

Jerry Harkins

Among the 34 member nations of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, the United States is, by far, the most religious and the most materialistic.

ASK A MORAL THEOLOGIAN

Jerry Harkins

Dear MT:  My wife says it would be immoral for me to picket Fred Phelps’ funeral with a sign saying “God Hates Assholes” because it would be a violation of the injunction “De mortuis nihil nisi bonum.”  Is she right?

I reply:  Truth is never offensive.  The injunction you cite is a variation of Thumper’s Rule which holds, “If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all.”  Since Thumper is a fictional Disney character prone to double negatives, the force of his dictum is somewhat diminished.  Thumper borrowed it from Diogenes Laertius, a pagan philosopher.  It may, therefore, be safely ignored.

THE MARCH OF FREEDOM

Jerry Harkins

Twenty-four states have Right To Work laws to protect college athletes from being forced to join a union.

NRA ANNOUNCES ACQUISITION

Jerry Harkins

The National Rifle Association announced yesterday that it had acquired all the outstanding stock of the Congress of the United States, an organization that provides sheltered workshop experience to future prison inmates.  According to a spokesperson, “This acquisition is meant to strengthen our core competency of promoting the lifestyle aspirations of sociopaths.”

PIPPA’S ASS

Jerry Harkins

If the Judgment of Paris was re-imagined as a modern reality TV show, the Middleton sisters would certainly be among the finalists.  Either would be a satisfying answer to Christopher Marlowe’s immortal question:  “Was this the face that launch'd a thousand ships, / And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?”  Both are gorgeous, Kate with a smile that could serve as an alternative energy source for the universe and Pippa…well, Pippa has been blessed with the world’s greatest ass, the gold standard.

FASHION WEEK HAIKU

Jerry Harkins

Inscrutable clothes

On androgynous models

Terminal boredom.

SPOILS ALERT

Jerry Harkins

Mayor de Blasio is pissed off because the press has been curious about why the lovely Mrs. de Blasio needs a taxpayer funded $170,000 a year “Chief of Staff.”  It also couldn’t help noticing that said Chief has made a fairly big mess of her personal life.  The facts of the case are:

·        -    The now ex-Chief is a highly competent and sophisticated political player.

·         -   The members of the fourth estate are a disgusting bunch of jackals.

·         -   The Mayor on the other hand is a jackass, dumber than jackals but not as odoriferous.

·         -   His wife has no known qualifications for whatever her job is supposed to be.

·      In case you hadn’t noticed, Mrs. de Blasio is not Eleanor Roosevelt.  Once again the eternal conundrum:  Who am I supposed to root for?  Who or Whom?  So what else is new?

MILTON SCHOLARSHIP TODAY

Jerry Harkins

You will be delighted to learn that the Oxford University Press has now released Volume VIII of its projected 11-volume Complete Works of John Milton.  The list price is $375 but Amazon has three copies left at $279.49.  Volumes II and III have also been published but III is no longer available. [1]  Anyone who is the least bit interested in biblical exegesis or systematic theology ought to have a personal copy of the latest volume which contains De Doctrina Christiana.  Milton thought this was his masterpiece but before you start reading it you should put your affairs in order against the risk of dying of boredom.

1.  More precisely, the 632-page Volume III, The Shorter Poems, was “withdrawn”  because it was said to contain otherwise unspecified “textual errors.”

ANOTHER MEETING TO WHICH I WAS NOT INVITED

Jerry Harkins

The 25 trustees of the British Museum met to discuss lending one of the Elgin Marbles to the Hermitage in St. Petersburg.  Among the members of the Board  are 4 Lords of the Realm, 8 Knights and 3 Professors.  One of them must have been awake enough to wonder, “Do you think the Greeks will mind?”  Since the rest were surely asleep, he got no answer.

There being no objection, the loan was approved unanimously.

RES IPSA LOQUITUR

Jerry Harkins

Taking note that wages in recent years have not kept  up with inflation or productivity and of growing income inequality, the members of the New York State Legislature have proposed giving themselves a hefty raise and allowing themselves to earn more outside income from businesses that are happy to have their counsel.  Reform is rampant.

THE KING’S ENGLISH

Jerry Harkins

Why do I persist in writing in a language in which the phrase “known but to God” means exactly the same thing as “unknown but to God?”

CONVENIENCE ÜBER ALLES

Jerry Harkins

According to the Wall Street Journal (12/18/14) parents are having their kids use Uber to get to school and other destinations.  Will somebody please tell me how’s that different from telling the kid to hitchhike to soccer practice?  And why isn’t it child abuse?

AN ADDENDUM TO DEATH AND TAXES

Jerry Harkins

In a universe governed by Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, one new sure thing stands out.  It’s a race between idiots and terrorists but, before long, one of those toy drones will crash into a plane taking off or landing.