STILL MORE MICRO ESSAYS

 

Jerry Harkins

 

 

 

LOCKED AND LOADED

 

In its never-ending quest to avoid scrutiny by the New York State Attorney General, the National Rifle Association has declared bankruptcy and hopes to move to Texas.  This is terrible news for its wholly owned subsidiary, the Congress of the United States, which will have to move with its parent company.  Texas is too hot in the summer, too cold in the winter and too dangerous always. There is, however, one saving grace.  Texas is the only place in the world where the average IQ is lower than that of the United States Senate.  There is a reason it calls itself the Lone Star State.  One star is the lowest rating an Amazon product can get.

 

WORDS THAT RHYME WITH TRUMP

 

The house of ump is home to members that are generally dull, blunt, or heavy-handed: three-quarters of English words ending in ump have that in common, and some others are arguable, like jump and pump. As a public service, we present a few of these so that those of our readers who would like to see the Former Guy (aka the Has Been or The Big Loser) immortalized in rhyme can write their own damn poems.

 

BUMP An insignificant protuberance, such as a bump on a log

 

CLUMP  An undifferentiated mass of moist dirt

 

CRUMP A loud thudding sound, especially one made by an exploding bomb

 

DUMP A place to bury waste material

 

FRUMP Dowdy, drab

 

GRUMP Crank, chronic complainer, grouch

 

HUMP A vulgarism

 

JUMP  Hop up and down, going nowhere

 

LUMP Same as clump

 

PUMP Inflate

 

RUMP Buttocks.  Ass.  Also smaller than normal as in the Rump Parliament

 

STUMP Something left after the useful parts have been harvested

 

SUMP a low space that collects undesirable liquids, a bilge 

 

THUMP A dull noise

 

WHEN YOU’RE UP TO YOUR ASS IN ALLIGATORS

 

Trump said he would drain the swamp until someone reminded him how much he liked the pond scum.

 

MEDIOCRITY STRIKES AGAIN

 

The amadáns who preside over sports in the United States have once again made asses of themselves by barring Sha’Carri Richardson from the 100 meter dash at the Tokyo Olympics.  Her offense?  She smoked a joint of marijuana contrary to their sacred teaching.  The morons of the United States Anti-Doping Agency (no relation to the equally moronic U.S. Government) neither know nor care that she smoked it legally in Seattle or that marijuana is not a performance-enhancing drug or that she embodies the charisma of the late, great Flo Jo.

 

BLANKET BOILERPLATE

You’ve all seen those addenda to emails threatening death and damnation to persons reading said emails
unless they are the intended addressee.  As idiotic as they are, they serve the useful purpose of making the intended reader feel privileged in spite of all the evidence pointing to an impoverished life without purpose or prospect.  In the interest of conserving the time and energy of the obviously superior authors of such missives, we offer here alternative messages designed to reflect the tenor of our times.  Feel free to copy and paste them to your own creations.

               BLANKET DISCLAIMER

The reader is advised that this email represents a sincere effort to be understood.  It contains no ambiguous post-literate dingbats, obscure abbreviations or misspellings posing as adolescent puns.  It does not engage in trigger warnings and readers are cautioned that it may contain inadvertent micro aggressions that have not yet been brought to the author's attention and for which your indulgence is sought. It employs conventional American punctuation in a conventional way.  With apologies to anyone unaccustomed to reading anything more complex than a stop sign, it does not communicate in emoticons.  Colons, semi-colons and periods should not be taken to imply emotional or political content. Thank you.

BLANKET APOLOGY

The writer offers his profound apologies to any reader who is offended or discomforted by any fact, opinion, implication or inference drawn by any reader to anything, explicit or otherwise, in this text.  He is aware that words, numbers and symbols have meanings that may be considered hurtful to sensitive readers and he wishes to assure all readers that he did not intend to convey any such meanings or any meanings at all.  He also knows that the road to *!&# is paved with good intentions.

BLANKET THOUGHTS & PRAYERS

Whether explicitly mentioned in the text or not, the reader can be assured that he, she, they, other or prefer-not-to-answer is always in the thoughts and prayers of the writer.  The author knows that God’s boundless love will continue to encompass sinners of every stripe but worries that he may have dozed off sometime after the turn of the millennium.  Which is why said thoughts and prayers are always accompanied by a Korean Boy Band.  The author disclaims any knowledge of Korean Boy Bands except that they are loud.  He is a lifelong admirer of Korea, Koreans and their culture as he is of all Asians and, of course, Pacific Islanders. 

            HE AIN’T HEAVY, FADAH, HE’S MY BRUDDA

 

 

 

The suits at CNN fired Chris Cuomo for the heinous crime of trying to help his brother in an hour of need. Blood may be thicker than water but is not as thick as the heads of boob tube executives.