THE RULES OF THE ROAD

Jerry Harkins

Life is tough and getting tougher every day.  If you doubt it, just take a look at Congress, your state legislature or your city council.  People just can't be that stupid; it's the problems the poor dears face that have them flummoxed.  Or maybe they are stupider than they used to be.  In either case, as a public service, I have drawn up a list of pithy guidelines that can be productively applied to almost any problem.  Short of flipping a coin, these may be the best chance you wi ever have to lead a serene life. 

 

Harkins’ Principle:  The default answer to all questions is No.

 

·      Betteridge's Law of Headlines is a corollary that states: “Any headline that ends in a question mark can be answered by the word no.”

 

·      Hinchliffe's Rule of particle physics is another corollary which states, “If a research paper's title is in the form of a yes–no question, the answer to that question will be “no.’”

 

The Peter Principle observes that people in a hierarchy tend to rise to their “maximum level of incompetence.”  Employees are promoted based on their success in previous jobs until they reach a level at which they are no longer competent.

 

Hanlon's Razor is an adage that states “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.”

 

Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will.

 

·      Finagle's corollary to Murphy's Law is usually rendered as “Anything that can go wrong, will—at the worst possible moment.”

 

·      O'Toole's corollary of Finagle's Law:  The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

 

Occam's Razor,  is the scientific principle that “Entities should not be multiplied beyond necessity.” It is often  paraphrased as “The simplest possible explanation is the best one until it is made untenable by the evidence.” 

 

The Pareto Principle states that for many outcomes, 80% of consequences come from 20% of causes.

 

Sayre's Law states, “In any dispute the intensity of feeling is inversely proportional to the value of the issues at stake.” By way of corollary, it adds: “That is why academic politics are so bitter.”

 

Einstein’s Rule:  God is subtle but not malicious.

 

·      Plutarch’s Axiom:  The mills of God grind slowly but they grind exceedingly fine.

 

Parkinson’s Law:  Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

Rita Mae Brown’s Addendum to Parkinson’s Law:  “If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.”

Howard’s Advisory:  “Never discuss cosmology with someone who thinks the moon is made of green cheese.”

 

Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle:  The precise position and momentum of a particle can never be known simultaneously.  Any attempt to measure them both at a single moment is subject to an error of at least Planck’s Constant, h, divided by 2.

 

Haldane’s Suspicion:  “The universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we can suppose.”

 

Kipling’s Absurdity:  A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.

 

Marshall’s Prescription:  “What this country needs is a really good five-cent cigar.”

 

·      Connelly’s Bribe:  “Have a ten-cent cigar, Lawd.”

 

Maslow’s Hammer:  “I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.”

 

Riley’s Inference:  “If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.”  

 

Charlie Brown’s Rule of Life:  “No problem is so big or so complicated that it can’t be run away from!”

 

·      Linus Van Pelt’s Corollary:  “Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace.”

 

Gardner’s Adage:  “The society which scorns excellence in plumbing because plumbing is a humble activity, and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity, will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.” 

 

Archilochus’ Insight: πόλλ' οἶδ' ἀλώπηξ, ἀλλ' ἐχῖνος ἓν μέγα (A fox knows many things, but a hedgehog knows one big thing”).  Archilochus was a fourth century BCE Greek lyric poet.  This line has been in continual use ever since.  It contrasts the broad cleverness of the fox with the narrow defensive strategy of the hedgehog which will prevail in any encounter between them.

 

Holmes Guideline:  When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.